Hello, I am here to speak on behalf of Naughty Inhibits Children’s Egos, or as you may have heard of us, NICE.
I thank the Elf Council members and Clause and Company for allowing me to speak before you today. Some of you I have met before. It’s good to see my old friend Buddy connecting in from New York City.
I have come to ask you to abolish the Naughty or Nice List for good. Since NICE’s founding, we have advocated to protect children from this outdated and unfair practice that results in hurting kids more than helping them become better.
Today, I will outline flaws in your current list management practices that I hope will convince you of the need to act now before another year begins.
Knows When You’ve Been Bad or Good
We know Claus and Company’s primary method for determining whether a child’s been naughty or nice during the year is by averaging the opinions of all the adults in a child’s life — using some sort of magical means. This method, which I think you refer to as “He Knows When You’ve Been Bad or Good,” is inherently unreliable and unfair.
Consider the story of Timothy Greenfield of Newark, New Jersey, in the period of 1964-7 (as reported in Exhibit A before you). Timothy was put in the naughty category during these four years, while during those same years, his brother Charles was assigned to the nice category.
Why the difference? Here is what Timothy told us during our interview with him last year:
“My mom, my dad, teachers and principals would always tell me, ‘Why can’t you be more like your brother? Why can’t you be good like Charles? Yeah, well, he may have been a straight-A student, but he was also real good at hiding things he did. Like being one of the biggest bullies in our school and sneaking off to smoke with his buddies behind the library when he told my parents he was tutoring.”
We have many verified accounts similar to Timothy’s. And hundreds of testimonies from those regularly punished by their parents and ending up categorized as naughty for doing things that their friends’ parents let their kids get away with all the time.
Elf on the Shelf
I think you started your Elf on the Shelf Program in an attempt to overcome limitations that Claus and Company knew were inherent in “He Knows When You’ve Been Bad or Good.” Instead of fixing these problems, it has the added result that kids learn the wrong message from the presence of an Elf on the Shelf in the home.
In Exhibit B, you’ll see peer-reviewed studies regarding the behavioral effect on children from. having an Elf on a Shelf in their homes.
What a majority of these kids learn, is that being nice is mostly for when they’re being watched by an authority figure. Many of these kids also reported feeling judged most of the time and less confident in their own decisions during the year.
Making things worse is the fact, that in recent years, we have seen many Elves on the Shelf to engage in “naughty” behaviors themselves, which ends up confusing the children even more.
Naughty or Nice List Oversight Committee
I don’t mean any disrespect to members of the Elf Council who serve or have served on the Naughty or Nice List Oversight Committee. But, I’m sure most of you are aware of the inconsistency problems because of the divisions that formed among that committee.
As this committee grew larger, and more elves disagreed, factions were formed. Because of this, what the committee deemed Naughty or Nice List became political. Then changed through the years based on which faction had the current majority. In Exhibit C, you will see evidence of this through comparative reports based on years of committee meeting minutes.
Coal in the Stocking for “Naughty” Kids
Before I spoke, you all heard from a representative of the US coal industry. He repeated their long-held claim that it’s actually good for naughty kids to get a piece of coal instead of gifts. They say it helps by giving naughty children the opportunity to give back to their families for their bad behavior during the year through helping provide heat for the home.
To that, I say that it’s not the 1800s anymore. And that their reasoning has always smelled a lot like Prancer poop, and they know it.
Think about the long-term effects of the Naughty or Nice List on children. Because of worrying about where they’ll be put on the list, too many children end each year beating themselves up over any mistakes they made during the year. Later, these children become adults who end up doing the same.
Children shouldn’t be given a gift or not depending on how they behaved during the year. But because they are worthy and loved, anyway.
So, I implore you members of the Elf Council, to finally get rid of the Naughty or Nice List once and for all.
So that Claus and Company can help show the world how to truly be good for goodness’ sake.
Thank you.
Bad Speler. Good Writer. 
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