Preparing for the Parenting Time Change

Okay, long-time parents, I believe you now: When my wife and I heard things like “What free time, I’ve got kids?” or “They grow up so fast,” we never understood how true they would be until we became parents ourselves.

When we finally understood it, we wish we had prepared for it. If you’re about to become a parent, maybe you can learn how to prepare for it here. Our situation involved adopting an older child to become parents, but parents of newborns can also learn something here.

What Free Time?

We were married for 15 years before we adopted our son — he was ten years old when we got him. Being married that long without kids, we had our general routines down. He came from foster homes that always had multiple children, but wanted a forever home where he was the only one.

My wife and I loved spending time with each other during our marriage — especially talking and watching TV shows and movies together. But, we also allowed each other the free or “me” time the other one needed. It worked well and we were comfortable with it.

Then, we had a kid in our house who loved getting all the attention from the adults, and never really had to learn how to play by himself before. We loved our time talking to him and playing with him — and still do. But, losing the privacy, the ability to talk freely, and the space for “me” time we valued, was really difficult to adjust to.

Budget for Free Time

In the first months, you may not want to be apart from your child. It’s so new and exciting — but not always easy — and you don’t want to miss a thing. It takes teamwork to take care of a child. It also takes teamwork to make sure each of you can take care of yourselves.

Planning for some scheduled, individual free time, for each member of the family, can help. Maybe this means one parent gets free time once they get home from work, while the other deals with late afternoon parenting and dinner prep. Then, the other parent can have their free time later while baths and bedtime are taken care of by the first one.

We’ve found that having dad/son outings or mom/son outings on the weekend really beneficial as well. It gives one of us some free time at home alone while the rest of the family is gone having fun together.

It took us a while, but being okay with telling our son to just go play by himself has been helpful for all of us. It gives us uninterrupted private time to talk. This also helps him learn how to entertain himself in more creative ways and not feel the need to go to us so much when he is “bored.”

They Grow up so Fast

One of the biggest surprises of being a parent to me was in the way it affected how we sense time pass throughout the year.

There were lots of years with memorable moments throughout our married life before: My wife getting promoted, changing stores. Me going back to school and changing careers. Seeing our friend’s children being born and grow. Working as youth ministry helpers at our church and seeing teenagers grow up through it to graduation. Plus, all the camps we helped at each year.

However, many years of our marriage also seemed similar to the previous one and the following one. A year really felt like a “year” then.

Now, experiencing our son’s birthdays, and the first and last days of school, made a year feel like it happened so much faster. There was something about marking his life moments —and watching him grow outside our married life — that made our years seem to go by too fast.

Celebrate Each Part of the Ride Together

When my wife and I focus on how fast his life seems to be moving, we often feel like we didn’t do enough of what we wanted to do for him.

How great would it be if people were given extra time in their days or weeks when they became parents? Unfortunately, none of us gets extra time.

When we accepted this together, we stopped being so hard on ourselves about things we didn’t do with/for our son in the previous year. Our own individual lives and responsibilities — outside of being a parent — will always impact time as a family. Just as they affected our time as a couple before we became parents.

Our family is living life together. So, we’ve it a priority to celebrate our own individual great moments together. Our son has really responded to this. Especially with our own birthday celebrations — something we stopped caring as much about as we got older. He enjoys planning, with one parent, something he can do special for the other parent’s birthday. Also, each parent’s birthday usually includes doing an activity related to an interest they share with our son.

We would never go back to the time before becoming parents. Knowing that we will only time for sure under the same roof for eight years, makes us treasure our time together with him even more. But, it has also made us want to honor our own time individually — and especially together — so our relationship is still strong when the time comes that he no longer lives with us.

Keep these time changes in mind, and plan for them. It will help you both adjust to parenting easier and enrich the time you have through your lives together as a family.